I was once that womxn desperately in need of retrieving the trust that her body belonged only to her.

After enduring a long trail of sexual traumas in my lifetime including a grooming process and incest abuse, without a voice and without a backbone of support, my sexuality was as mutilated, lacerated and as dismembered as it could be from my true wild power. I was bone tired, buried in my own mausoleum where constant thieving and pillaging was predictable and expected. I had been repeatedly desecrated of the ability to feel whole and was perpetually suffocated by being in a constant instability of survival mode. I used to be perceived as highly functional in my roles in society/family, which meant that the vexatious extremities of suffering within, where even more vast than I could initially comprehend. I had a distorted sense of self and was loosing intense periods of time to dissociation. Constantly lingering on the edges of an anxiety disorder, C-PTSD was alive and acute running deep currents through my bones - everywhere that I was failing to process and integrate.

Hardly no-one knew a thing. I was externally composed but underneath lurked demons in a thorny thicket, impenetrable, in a body of armour and all enveloped by a hyper sensitive and shattered nervous system. I often had trouble remembering things, memories and experiences became highly distorted. I longed for intimacy, for emotional availability and presence, after years of finger pointing. I finally saw that I need to live and embody this foremost for myself.

It had consumed an entirety of my life force energy to hold this, I had become beyond weary and on top of this, an already cracked substructure of family and friends shed on all sides of me. I sank to my knees in acceptance - eventually loosening my grip entirely, lost in a dark forest, giving up on it all, surrendering and plummeting to my darkest descent yet ___finally___ the excavation of self and restorative healing could begin.

Thank you for reading my tender sharing and holding space for this minuscule moment in time.

Now allow me to share with you these gifts, my heart blood and this sapience that became my very lifeline - these downloads and experiences that I had received in my darkest times, my acumen, my sageness, all my shadow sagacity and tantric codes, everything that helped to bring me to my own light, to return home and to feel the earth’s breath through my skin again.